Bam

Am I climbing the tower right now? Am I in a tower? Am I an irregular, like Bam?

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In cycling, on the way to work one morning, I reflected on the fact that I have the option of stopping at stop signs like I should, as a “vehicle on the road.” I also have the option of riding through stop signs, exercising my ability to behave as if I am something other than a “vehicle on the road.”

I’ve had cars honk at me, roll down their window and ask me “Why are you stopping?” while we both wait for the traffic light to change from red to green, and cut in front of me as if I didn’t exist and/or are not worthy of being treated like a fellow car. Such moments have given me reason to see myself, when on a bike, as something of an oppressed minority.

Putting aside my desire to share about my frustrations at times where I feel like an injustice was done to me while I have been on my bike, I am apt to write about how I’ve–while traveling as a cyclist; while being first-gen and non-first-gen, simultaneously; while being Cambodian-American; while being a current staff member of my company who began as an intern and started working full-time without going through a series of interviews; and while living with other sets of identities–felt like Bam from Tower of God, a character from a favorite anime of mine.

Potentially, arguably, I feel this way because of imposter syndrome. Regardless of whether or not this is true, I think seeing things in this way can be a methodological lens that has benefits for being used in scenarios where one is curious about their capacity for making a difference in the world.

As an irregular, Bam is able to exercise power in ways that others–regulars–can’t; subject to the rules of the tower, but able to break the rules of the tower. While on my bike, I am able to break traffic laws in a way that results in lesser likelihoods of penalty than when I am driving a car; and I can also ride on the sidewalks in many areas of Chicago, and be seen as someone who is doing something that is nothing less than appropriate (note: there is a law that indicates that one can be fined for biking on the sidewalk).

I have qualified for federal government-funded and privately-sourced financial aid when applying for and attending college, and I have received support from a scholarship program that is designed for those of low-income and/or first-generation backgrounds. In the midst of all of this, a funny feeling has arisen within me as I reflect on how I’ve had close exposure to and abstracted lessons from things that people of middle-income, high-income, second-generation college degree-earning, and third-generation college degree-earning backgrounds have as supports.

I have gained first-hand familiarity with things that is typical of a kind of “Asian-American experience,” such as having others make assumptions about where I grew up and having older Asian family members struggle with accepting that I don’t have knowledge of my Asian heritage and language that is [arguably] as deep as theirs. I have developed ways of leveraging my experiences of attending pre-post-secondary schools where the majority of my classmates were white-identifying, and experiences of having Jewish-American/Canadian persons as relatives I most closely associate with and see as integral to my childhood and adolescent development. In the midst of all of this, a funny feeling as arisen within me as I reflect on how I have a brother and sister who I am related to through 50% of my genes.

With over two years of experience working for one of my current employers as an intern, and over two years of experience working for this company as a full-time employee, I work each weekday with close proximity to my memories as a student-intern; and I see this close proximity as a strength and challenge. A funny feeling arises within me as I reflect on the idea that a typical “career advisor” is a sage–someone who has seen a lot, experienced a lot, reflected a lot, done a lot of work to get in-tune with themselves–someone who is positioned to guide others to where they’d like to go.

Maybe we’re all irregulars, like Bam.

Maybe I’m more like Hwaryun. Maybe I am someone who has seen a lot, experienced a lot, reflected a lot, done a lot of work to get in-tune with myself–someone who is positioned to guide others to where they’d like to go.

It can get dangerous when advising others on how to market themselves. I have to grapple with the fear of–and face my potential for–bringing rise to the development of a narrative that may not do a fellow neighbor justice.

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Picture coming soon